by Writers With Cats
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"You're such a Grinch!" Karma complained suddenly, bounding atop of Malkie as he lay curled up quietly on the living room rug last night.
"Ow, ow...get off me! I am not!" The two cats rolled around a few times, biting and scratching at one another before Karma hopped back off, panting, then easing herself down to go into pounce-mode again.
"Will you two stop it?" Paula and I came into the room with some eggnog and sat down. "Karma, do you even know what a Grinch is?"
"Sure!" she chimed, shaking herself all over. "It's a big green thing that attacks Christmas. And...and takes gifts away from others and hides them in mountains for you to find...?"
Mystery giggled from her place on the couch, relaxing in a ball of fur. She lifted her head up from her tail and sniffed. "Come on, you're not even close!"
"Alright, so what is he then?"
The older girl thought a moment and then smiled. "Well, he just plain hates Christmas...and um..."
"Hmm, if I may, you three, I think I have the book here..." I walked over to the bookcase we all shared and picked out the Dr. Seuss masterpiece. Sitting down, the other three cats surrounded me curiously. "Okay, let's see..." And I began to read:
"Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did NOT!"
Karma: "Wait, are these the same Whos that Horton heard?"
Paul: "Who?"
Karma: "You knowwww, the elephant, Horton, with the flower? And he had to save them?"
Paul: "Look, can we move on? It doesn't really matter which Whos the Whos were. Whose telling the story is important..."
Mystery: "But...Who IS telling the story?"
Paul: "A Who in Whoville, I imagine...anyway, may I continue?"
Mystery: "Sorry."
"The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight..."
Karma: "Or, it could be that maybe he was a Muslim Who!"
Mystery: "He's NOT a Who!"
Karma: "Oh right, he's The Grinch. What's THAT mean? THE Grinch. Is he the last of his kind or something?"
Mystery: "Well, maybe he comes down from the mountain and pro-creates, how should I know?"
Malkie: "So there could be, like, Who-Grinches down there. What's the whole deal with Whoville then? Are they trying to pass themselves off as their own society, and others aren't welcome?"
Karma: "If they were in Arkansas or something, obviously we'd be bringing up the maaajor inbreeding going on here..."
Mystery: "Oh, yes..."
"But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small..."
Malkie: "Isn't that a terminal affliction?"
Mystery: "Oh you're so right, that's practically fatal. I don't see how he survived in the mountains at this rate. The smaller heart indicates a need for more oxygen, and there's hardly enough on a mountain top...".
Paul: "Will you two stop? He's fine...you'll see. It's just a metaphor to show he doesn't have much of a heart..."
Mystery and Malkie: "Ohhh."
"Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve... hating the Whos..."
Malkie: "Hmm, you know, hate's a pretty vicious word. Can't he just dislike them a little? We're teaching children to hate something on the holidays and that's just not right."
Mystery: "Oh, and your anti-disestablishment comment was?"
Malkie: "Okay, point made, move on."
Karma: "Although, he could be like the anti-Who..."
Paul: "Um...what...?"
Karma: "You know, the opposite of the Whos. Maybe there was a great war between Grinches and Whos and he's not gotten over his petty bigotry..."
Mystery: (snickering) "Hello, I'm The Grinch, founder of the Who Klux Klan..."
Karma and Malkie: (giggling)
Paul: "Guys, please...I'm trying to teach a very good lesson here..."
"Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Whoville beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath..."
Malkie: "Anti-social little spud, isn't he?"
Karma: "Well, can you blame him? (puts a paw on the page) He's obviously got a pretty bad skin disease here. Maybe they booted him out of Whoville, and that's why he hates them."
Malkie: "Ah...So this is truly a tale about social status and the lengths of persons to keep their society pure."
Karma: "Oh indeed."
Malkie: "He could have had leprosy..."
Paul: "Oh for God's sakes, no he didn't, Malkie. He's just...green..."
Karma: "Odd color for a hateful Grinch. I'd have gone with red..."
Mystery: "He doesn't realize he's already festive in that color, the poor thing..."
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
Malkie: "I must find a way to stop time!"
Mystery: "See, THIS is the problem with some members of a society. They want something to change for their OWN satisfaction, and never consider the needs of the majority, nor the ramifications of their actions."
"For tomorrow, he knew, all the Who girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!"
Mystery: (deadpanned expression) "Because that's really what Christmas is all about..."
Karma: "You mean it's not?"
"And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!"
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!"
Karma: "Ow ow, you're shouting..."
Paul: "Sorry."
Malkie: "Wait, he lives on a MOUNTAIN, what could he possibly hear?"
Paul: "Well, Whoville sits in a valley; so I suppose he hears the echos."
Karma: "Yeah, if it, like, caused avalanches or something, I'd hate it too, I guess."
Malkie: "So he's anti-social AND against music? What's he do up there anyway?"
Mystery: "Hating things, probably...he'd make a great critic."
Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!"
Malkie: "Yeah, sustenance in order to survive sure is annoying..."
Mystery: "He must not eat a lot."
Karma: "Well, he looks a little chubby in the picture. Maybe he's dieting and the Whos are rubbing his face in it?"
Mystery: "So he hates the Whos because they have food, basically."
Malkie: "That'll work."
"They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast beast.
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!"
Malkie: "Uhh...Beast?"
Paul: "I know, is it poultry, beef, pork, no one knows..."
Karma: "Is it rare, meaning hard to find, or is that how it's cooked?"
Mystery: "Well, Grinchie doesn't like it. Oooh, maybe it's one of his type of species. That could be it. Oh my, maybe they're eating-"
Malkie: "Oh that's sick! That's just wrong. Why would they eat a Grinch?"
Karma: "Well, to be clear, it's "beast"."
Mystery: "Maybe they just renamed it "beast" in secret...like mahi-mahi, which is dolphin..."
Malkie: "Well, I just know I'd be mad as a hornet if someone were eating my cousin..."
"And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!"
Karma: "Again, he's not a fan of music..."
Malkie: "Well, singing might really cause bad avalanches too. I get his point."
Karma: "Sing with me!"
Mystery: "What should we sing?"
Malkie: "They'd sing songs about conformity, and brazen Who-power!
Karma: "Which would tend to get louder hour by hour!
Mystery: "Which would explain the look on the Grinch face so sour!"
Paul: "COULD WE?"
All three cats: "Sorry..."
"And the more the Grinch thought of this Who ChristmasSing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"
Malkie: "And the Grinch thought, "I know. I'll go back into time, run to Bethlehem, kill Jesus..."
Karma: "He's 53 years old? Or, is that just how long he's hated Christmas?"
Malkie: "Yeah, if it's been 53 years, you'd think he'd be used to it by now."
Mystery: "Maybe he had a bad relationship."
Karma: "With a Who."
Paul: "Actually in the original tale, I think the Grinch DID have a love interest. Her name was Martha May Whovier in the live-action movie...sort of a cheapshot to Seuss, I always thought."
Karma: "I'm sorry, but if he's seen something going on for 53 years, and the Whos have NEVER invited him? Hello? Time to leave Whoville!"
Malkie: "And The Grinch was so mad he thought he would cry / And he sniffed, "Maybe I'll give San Francisco a try..."
Mystery and Karma: (giggling)
Paul: (sighing) "Moving on..."
"Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!"
Mystery: "See, to me, this is so wrong. This is just just what I was talking about, the tendancy for some humans to bring about radical changes only to suit themselves and not the general populace...You see it in almost every James Bond film."
Karma: "Says the feline who causes the humans to radically change the litterbox daily..."
Mystery: "Excuse me??"
Malkie: "Uh-oh. I'll just go lie down upstairs for a while, I think..."
Paul: (closing the book) "Wait for me..."
Copyright Thedore S. Geisel, 1957 - "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
Published by Random House
"Ow, ow...get off me! I am not!" The two cats rolled around a few times, biting and scratching at one another before Karma hopped back off, panting, then easing herself down to go into pounce-mode again.
"Will you two stop it?" Paula and I came into the room with some eggnog and sat down. "Karma, do you even know what a Grinch is?"
"Sure!" she chimed, shaking herself all over. "It's a big green thing that attacks Christmas. And...and takes gifts away from others and hides them in mountains for you to find...?"
Mystery giggled from her place on the couch, relaxing in a ball of fur. She lifted her head up from her tail and sniffed. "Come on, you're not even close!"
"Alright, so what is he then?"
The older girl thought a moment and then smiled. "Well, he just plain hates Christmas...and um..."
"Hmm, if I may, you three, I think I have the book here..." I walked over to the bookcase we all shared and picked out the Dr. Seuss masterpiece. Sitting down, the other three cats surrounded me curiously. "Okay, let's see..." And I began to read:
"Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did NOT!"
Karma: "Wait, are these the same Whos that Horton heard?"
Paul: "Who?"
Karma: "You knowwww, the elephant, Horton, with the flower? And he had to save them?"
Paul: "Look, can we move on? It doesn't really matter which Whos the Whos were. Whose telling the story is important..."
Mystery: "But...Who IS telling the story?"
Paul: "A Who in Whoville, I imagine...anyway, may I continue?"
Mystery: "Sorry."
"The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight..."
Karma: "Or, it could be that maybe he was a Muslim Who!"
Mystery: "He's NOT a Who!"
Karma: "Oh right, he's The Grinch. What's THAT mean? THE Grinch. Is he the last of his kind or something?"
Mystery: "Well, maybe he comes down from the mountain and pro-creates, how should I know?"
Malkie: "So there could be, like, Who-Grinches down there. What's the whole deal with Whoville then? Are they trying to pass themselves off as their own society, and others aren't welcome?"
Karma: "If they were in Arkansas or something, obviously we'd be bringing up the maaajor inbreeding going on here..."
Mystery: "Oh, yes..."
"But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small..."
Malkie: "Isn't that a terminal affliction?"
Mystery: "Oh you're so right, that's practically fatal. I don't see how he survived in the mountains at this rate. The smaller heart indicates a need for more oxygen, and there's hardly enough on a mountain top...".
Paul: "Will you two stop? He's fine...you'll see. It's just a metaphor to show he doesn't have much of a heart..."
Mystery and Malkie: "Ohhh."
"Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve... hating the Whos..."
Malkie: "Hmm, you know, hate's a pretty vicious word. Can't he just dislike them a little? We're teaching children to hate something on the holidays and that's just not right."
Mystery: "Oh, and your anti-disestablishment comment was?"
Malkie: "Okay, point made, move on."
Karma: "Although, he could be like the anti-Who..."
Paul: "Um...what...?"
Karma: "You know, the opposite of the Whos. Maybe there was a great war between Grinches and Whos and he's not gotten over his petty bigotry..."
Mystery: (snickering) "Hello, I'm The Grinch, founder of the Who Klux Klan..."
Karma and Malkie: (giggling)
Paul: "Guys, please...I'm trying to teach a very good lesson here..."
"Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Whoville beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath..."
Malkie: "Anti-social little spud, isn't he?"
Karma: "Well, can you blame him? (puts a paw on the page) He's obviously got a pretty bad skin disease here. Maybe they booted him out of Whoville, and that's why he hates them."
Malkie: "Ah...So this is truly a tale about social status and the lengths of persons to keep their society pure."
Karma: "Oh indeed."
Malkie: "He could have had leprosy..."
Paul: "Oh for God's sakes, no he didn't, Malkie. He's just...green..."
Karma: "Odd color for a hateful Grinch. I'd have gone with red..."
Mystery: "He doesn't realize he's already festive in that color, the poor thing..."
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
Malkie: "I must find a way to stop time!"
Mystery: "See, THIS is the problem with some members of a society. They want something to change for their OWN satisfaction, and never consider the needs of the majority, nor the ramifications of their actions."
"For tomorrow, he knew, all the Who girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!"
Mystery: (deadpanned expression) "Because that's really what Christmas is all about..."
Karma: "You mean it's not?"
"And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!"
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!"
Karma: "Ow ow, you're shouting..."
Paul: "Sorry."
Malkie: "Wait, he lives on a MOUNTAIN, what could he possibly hear?"
Paul: "Well, Whoville sits in a valley; so I suppose he hears the echos."
Karma: "Yeah, if it, like, caused avalanches or something, I'd hate it too, I guess."
Malkie: "So he's anti-social AND against music? What's he do up there anyway?"
Mystery: "Hating things, probably...he'd make a great critic."
Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!"
Malkie: "Yeah, sustenance in order to survive sure is annoying..."
Mystery: "He must not eat a lot."
Karma: "Well, he looks a little chubby in the picture. Maybe he's dieting and the Whos are rubbing his face in it?"
Mystery: "So he hates the Whos because they have food, basically."
Malkie: "That'll work."
"They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast beast.
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!"
Malkie: "Uhh...Beast?"
Paul: "I know, is it poultry, beef, pork, no one knows..."
Karma: "Is it rare, meaning hard to find, or is that how it's cooked?"
Mystery: "Well, Grinchie doesn't like it. Oooh, maybe it's one of his type of species. That could be it. Oh my, maybe they're eating-"
Malkie: "Oh that's sick! That's just wrong. Why would they eat a Grinch?"
Karma: "Well, to be clear, it's "beast"."
Mystery: "Maybe they just renamed it "beast" in secret...like mahi-mahi, which is dolphin..."
Malkie: "Well, I just know I'd be mad as a hornet if someone were eating my cousin..."
"And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!"
Karma: "Again, he's not a fan of music..."
Malkie: "Well, singing might really cause bad avalanches too. I get his point."
Karma: "Sing with me!"
Mystery: "What should we sing?"
Malkie: "They'd sing songs about conformity, and brazen Who-power!
Karma: "Which would tend to get louder hour by hour!
Mystery: "Which would explain the look on the Grinch face so sour!"
Paul: "COULD WE?"
All three cats: "Sorry..."
"And the more the Grinch thought of this Who ChristmasSing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"
Malkie: "And the Grinch thought, "I know. I'll go back into time, run to Bethlehem, kill Jesus..."
Karma: "He's 53 years old? Or, is that just how long he's hated Christmas?"
Malkie: "Yeah, if it's been 53 years, you'd think he'd be used to it by now."
Mystery: "Maybe he had a bad relationship."
Karma: "With a Who."
Paul: "Actually in the original tale, I think the Grinch DID have a love interest. Her name was Martha May Whovier in the live-action movie...sort of a cheapshot to Seuss, I always thought."
Karma: "I'm sorry, but if he's seen something going on for 53 years, and the Whos have NEVER invited him? Hello? Time to leave Whoville!"
Malkie: "And The Grinch was so mad he thought he would cry / And he sniffed, "Maybe I'll give San Francisco a try..."
Mystery and Karma: (giggling)
Paul: (sighing) "Moving on..."
"Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!"
Mystery: "See, to me, this is so wrong. This is just just what I was talking about, the tendancy for some humans to bring about radical changes only to suit themselves and not the general populace...You see it in almost every James Bond film."
Karma: "Says the feline who causes the humans to radically change the litterbox daily..."
Mystery: "Excuse me??"
Malkie: "Uh-oh. I'll just go lie down upstairs for a while, I think..."
Paul: (closing the book) "Wait for me..."
Copyright Thedore S. Geisel, 1957 - "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
Published by Random House