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Sunday, December 26, 2010
We ran across an old file in our drives from 2008, about a certain "Dubya" State of the Union speech we decided to listen in on, and then rip on for the hell of it. With a pause/un-pause feature in hand, we listened, and started writing the jokes. We KNOW Bush is long gone from the White House, but we hope this playful rip of his speech reminds us just how STUPID we once were - and how STUPID he still is. =)
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Madam Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:
Paul: Let's have a drink!
Paula: Wow, he put the speaker first. Dicky's not gonna like that.
Paul: Does he seem pale to you?
Paula: You mean, more than usual?
Paul: Nine-Eleven!
Paula: Oh hush.
Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum.
Paul: I know this because I checked the calendar.
Paula: Seven years of toils and tribulations...
Paul: Zero score and seven years ago, my father said, "Son, don't be an asshole and run for president..."
In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined.
Paul: I dunno, I can imagine quite a bit.
Paula: Tested by my consistent inabilities, my deceitful ways, my childish platitudes...
Paul: Nine-eleven!
Paula: Shhhhh!
We faced hard decisions about peace and war,
Paul: What decision? To invade a country without precedence or provocation? THAT decision?
Paula: Don't forget, he's the Decider.
Paul: *high pitched* I'm the baby, gotta love me!
rising competition in the world economy,
Paul: And why the Chinese are eating us alive.
and the health and welfare of our citizens.
Paul: Yes, by blocking stem cell research we have helped numerous sick, hurt people DIE.
These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it's fair to say we've answered the call.
Paul: We said it was a wrong number and hung up.
Paula: We didn't say anything but we could hear the heavy breathing.
Yet history will record that amid our differences, we acted with purpose. And together, we showed the world the power and resilience of American self-government.
Paula: Power, resilience, complete ineptitude, unbridled arrogance...
All of us were sent to Washington to carry out the people's business. That is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. It remains our charge to keep.
Paul: Yeah, suuuuure.
Paula: I think I'm going to be sick. Shut it off.
Paul: Can't... tie... too distracting...
Paula: It's not even red this time.
Paul: But look at the swirling colors...
Paula: Ooooh, it's strangely hypnotic...
Paul: Yes... it's like a lava lamp...
The actions of the 110th Congress will affect the security and prosperity of our nation long after this session has ended.
Paul: Oh here we go, gonna blame the Democrats already!
In this election year, let us show our fellow Americans that we recognize our responsibilities and are determined to meet them. Let us show them that Republicans and Democrats can compete for votes and cooperate for results at the same time. (Applause.)
Paula: Yeah, look at their faces. They're sick to be in the same room together.
Paul: Why don't the GOP people stay in the room and the Dems leave, and then come back later for the rebuttal? You'd think that would send a clear message to the nation that folks are sick of hearing from this twit.
Paula: Can't. Election year.
Paul: What, again?! It's ALWAYS an election year!
From expanding opportunity to protecting our country, we've made good progress.
Paul: Not a single plane has hit a building.
Paula: Well, except for that Yankee pitcher.
Paul: Oh yeah, forgot about him. Hey, wasn't Bush ready to do something about that?
Paula: Yeah, I heard he was all set to attack Wrigley Field but they cancelled the alert.
Paul: Oh, well that's a relief.
Yet we have unfinished business before us, and the American people expect us to get it done.
Paul: *rolling on the floor laughing* No we don't!
Paula: Unfinished business. You're so right, Dubya.
Paul: Yep, war crimes tribunal is a-comin'.
In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our nation great.
Paula: Great idea. So religion is once again a private, personal affair and will not be a part of politics.
As Americans, we believe in the power of individuals to determine their destiny and shape the course of history.
Paul: Translation: Vote for McCain -- he's better than a woman or a black man!
We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens.
Paul: But since I never care what they think, that statement is probably moot.
Paula: So, wait, we should ALL be president! I like that idea! Every single citizen votes on every single issue, mandate or law talked about in this country. Majority wins. You can't lose. :-)
And so in all we do, we must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, and empower them to improve their lives for their futures.
Paul: Free peoples?
Paula: Don't. He's on a roll.
Paul: You know, I don't see much improvement in my life with assholes like him running the country.
To build a prosperous future, we must trust people with their own money and empower them to grow our economy.
Paul: So all you rich people, dig deep, man!
Paula: Save my last year of this shameful presidency, I beg you!
Paul: I got nuttin' left! Waaaaaaaah!
As we meet tonight, our economy is undergoing a period of uncertainty.
Paul: I suppose spending $800 billion in Iraq was a bit of a mistake.
Paula: Oh right, like he's going to say that!
America has added jobs for a record 52 straight months, but jobs are now growing at a slower pace. Wages are up, but so are prices for food and gas. Exports are rising, but the housing market has declined. At kitchen tables across our country, there is a concern about our economic future.
Paul: Which is why I'm so glad this is my last year!
Paula: I can go back to my rich family and live on the ranch, yee-hah!
Paul: At kitchen tables? He must be hungry.
Paula: They practically starved him. Look how thin and gaunt he is.
In the long run, Americans can be confident about our economic growth.
Paul: Which will happen long after I'm out of office, woohoo!
But in the short run, we can all see that that growth is slowing. So last week, my administration reached agreement with Speaker Pelosi and Republican Leader Boehner on a robust growth package that includes tax relief for individuals and families and incentives for business investment.
Paula: $600 bucks we get.
Paul: Each?
Paula: I think so. If we were married, we'd get $1200.
Paul: Each?
Paula: Um, no.
Paul: Wait, don't we get $1200 ANYWAY?
Paula: It's the government, Paul. Don't question their math skills.
Paul: Sorry. :-P
The temptation will be to load up the bill. That would delay it or derail it, and neither option is acceptable. (Applause)
Paul: Just make sure ya give me a raise though, or I'll attack Iran!
This is a good agreement that will keep our economy growing and our people working. And this Congress must pass it as soon as possible. (Applause.)
Paul: Look at the fire in those Dem eyes!
Paula: Yeah, they'll pass it but there's going to be some kind of argument. There has to be. This is America.
We have other work to do on taxes. Unless Congress acts, most of the tax relief we've delivered over the past seven years will be taken away. Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800.
Paul: Better yet, dick-weed, explain to America why the national median income has dropped $1,400!
Paula: Explain why we were dead wrong to invade Iraq!
Paul: The national unemployment rose to 5%!
Paula: No payrolls were added for the first time in five years!
Paul: Housing construction at an all-time low!
Paula: Mortgage companies collapsing!
Paul: Dogs and cats sleeping together -- mass hysteria!
Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. I'm pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders. (Laughter and applause.)
Paula: As we laugh, five more soldiers died today in Iraq but anyway...
Paul: I think this last year, Bush should go without a paycheck.
Paula: We overpay these morons don't we?
Paul: What the hell do we have to pay him for? Shacked up in a mansion, 24-hour room service, free first-class air service, chauffeurs, bodyguards, maids, GARDENERS. I'd live like that quite nicely with no money!
Most Americans think their taxes are high enough.
Paul: And yet another shot at the Dems.
With all the other pressures on their finances, American families should not have to worry about their federal government taking a bigger bite out of their paychecks.
Paul: They will have to worry, however, about being shattered when one of their family members dies in an unjust war.
There's only one way to eliminate this uncertainty: Make the tax relief permanent. (Applause.) And members of Congress should know: If any bill raises taxes reaches my desk, I will veto it. (Applause.)
Paul: If stem cell passes, I will veto it!
Paula: If gay marriage passes, I will veto it!
Paul: If Laura wants a divorce, I will veto it!
Paula: If Congress and Senate decide to pull out troops, I will veto it!
Paul: If the War Crimes Tribunal finds me guilty, I will veto it!
Paula: If Daddy says I can't have ice cream on the ranch, I will veto it!
Just as we trust Americans with their own money, we need to earn their trust by spending their tax dollars wisely.
Paul: Much more wisely than the $800 billion spent on Iraq?
Next week, I'll send you a budget that terminates or substantially reduces 151 wasteful or bloated programs, totaling more than $18 billion.
Paula: Among those are research for diseases, health-care costs, and educational programs.
Paul: I won't rest until every one of you old, helpless people lies dead!
Paula: You've lived a full life. Get out!
The budget that I will submit will keep America on track for a surplus in 2012. American families have to balance their budgets; so should their government. (Applause.)
Paul: So that was, let's see, $800 billion for Iraq, $500 million for Katrina, $100 million for the tsunami victims. Oh and ZERO dollars for the No Child Left Behind program! We're good!
The people's trust in their government is undermined by congressional earmarks -- special interest projects that are often snuck in at the last minute, without discussion or debate.
Paul: You mean like that Arctic Oil Drilling Program, right amigo!?
Paula: Whoever wrote this speech made him folksy. And Bush is NOT folksy. He was and still is a rich kid.
Last year, I asked you to voluntarily cut the number and cost of earmarks in half.
Paul: Amazing. He sees programs that benefit all of mankind as 'earmarks'.
Paula: You know he has no clue what an 'earmark' is.
I also asked you to stop slipping earmarks into committee reports that never even come to a vote. Unfortunately, neither goal was met. So this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that does not cut the number and cost of earmarks in half, I'll send it back to you with my veto. (Applause.)
Paul: Waaaaah!!
Paula: Such a damned whiner he is!
Paul: Oh hush Paula or I'll veto you, I swear it!
Paula: Shhhhh! Here's a valium.
And tomorrow, I will issue an executive order that directs federal agencies to ignore any future earmark that is not voted on by Congress. If these items are truly worth funding, Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote. (Applause.)
Paul: Uh, haven't they been doing that the last 270 years?
Paula: Tommorow I'm ordering Congress to do what it's been doing the last 270 years!
Paul: Good show, Paula! Hooray! Paula for President!
Our shared responsibilities extend beyond matters of taxes and spending. On housing, we must trust Americans with the responsibility of homeownership and empower them to weather turbulent times in the housing market.
Paul: So basically we're on our own, Jackson.
Paula: I hear ya, McGee.
Paul: Not my fault, neener neener neener.
My administration brought together the HOPE NOW alliance, which is helping many struggling homeowners avoid foreclosure. And Congress can help even more. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to reform Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,
Paul: now languishing in an Arkansas federal prison...
modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and allow state housing agencies to issue tax-free bonds to help homeowners refinance their mortgages. (Applause.)
Paul: Yeah, great job shutting that barn door, Dubya.
Paula: Not a horse in sight.
Paul: We're notorious for it, Paula.
Paula: Yep, we don't recognize a threat until it happens, do we? :-)
Paul: Did you notice the way Cheney's looking at him?
Paula: *Bela Lugosi voice* "Pull de string! Pull de string!!"
These are difficult times for many American families, and by taking these steps, we can help more of them keep their homes.
Paul: Homes, yes. JOBS -- well that's another story.
To build a future of quality health care, we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options.
Paul: And that starts by cutting funding for many of their programs.
We share a common goal: making health care more affordable and accessible for all Americans. (Applause.)
Paula: Except those that are old enough to be a burden.
Paul: We will however help any white women in a vegetative state in Florida.
The best way to achieve that goal is by expanding consumer choice, not government control. (Applause.)
Paul: I think consumer choice dictated we never wanted this scum-bag for president.
Paula: Consumer choice said not to invade Iraq either, doncha know?
Paul: Oooh, yah, good point there, Margie.
So I have proposed ending the bias in the tax code against those who do not get their health insurance through their employer. This one reform would put private coverage within reach for millions, and I call on the Congress to pass it this year. (Applause.)
Paula: Better late than never, eh Georgie?
Paul: We should go to all the children of the nation now and say, "This is NOT the man the country thought they were getting in 2001. This is a president on his last year, trying to do something to salvage his legacy and get into heaven now." :-)
Paula: Why didn't we do this sooner?
Paul: Nine-Eleven!
Paula: Will you stop saying that?!
Paul: But it's the universal answer for everything. It's like Douglas Adams' '42'!
Paula: Give it a rest, Rudi.
The Congress must also expand health savings accounts, create Association Health Plans for small businesses, promote health information technology, and confront the epidemic of junk medical lawsuits. (Applause.)
Paula: Again, better late than never.
Paul: This speech should be entitled "the Better Late than Never Speech".
Paula: Or "The Seven-Year Bitch".
Paul: Oh, I like that. Spot on, Agnes!
With all these steps, we will help ensure that decisions about your medical care are made in the privacy of your doctor's office -- not in the halls of Congress. (Applause.)
Paul: AHEM. Terri Schiavo????
Paula: Don't start!
On education, we must trust students to learn if given the chance, and empower parents to demand results from our schools. In neighborhoods across our country, there are boys and girls with dreams -- and a decent education is their only hope of achieving them.
Paul: Oh here we go, the No Child Left Behind Act.
Paula: Which still hasn't been funded with a single penny from the government.
Paul: Amazing. They come up with the ideas and expect the U.S. to pay for it.
Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act,
Paul: Bing!
and today no one can deny its results. Last year, fourth and eighth graders achieved the highest math scores on record.
Paul: While First through Third graders, fifth through seventh graders and 9th through 12th graders were not polled in this survey, we're confident they're doing okay too.
Paula: I'm personally reading at an eighth-grade level, and raring to get to "My Pet Goat: The Sequel".
Reading scores are on the rise. African American and Hispanic students posted all-time highs. (Applause.)
Paul: All ten of them!
Paula: What school did they go to find this out?
Paul: I don't know. Someplace that had a lot of Hispanics and blacks.
PAula: East L.A.??
Now we must work together to increase accountability, add flexibility for states and districts, reduce the number of high school dropouts, provide extra help for struggling schools.
Paul: To do this, we propose another idea for American citizens to pay for.
Paula: Increase accountability? HAHAHAHAHA!
Members of Congress: The No Child Left Behind Act is a bipartisan achievement. It is succeeding. And we owe it to America's children, their parents, and their teachers to strengthen this good law. (Applause.)
Paul: Congress to Dubya: Allocate monies to fund the program, you dildo.
Paula: He owes it to America to resign as President too, but I don't see that happening.
We must also do more to help children when their schools do not measure up.
Paula: We shall close down every school that is not measuring up.
Paul: Can they use the metric system to measure?
Paula: Did you know he made these EXACT same statements in a radio address in October of 2006?
Paul: My God, he's retooling his speeches!
Thanks to the D.C. Opportunity Scholarships you approved, more than 2,600 of the poorest children in our Nation's Capital have found new hope at a faith-based or other non-public school.
Paul: They'll grow up to be good, healthy Baptists.
Paula: Do you know that these poor kids really need, Dubya? How about food and shelter!?
Paul: You'll be starving and sad all your life, but by gum, you will get an education!
Sadly, these schools are disappearing at an alarming rate in many of America's inner cities.
Paul: Good! Less religion in schools!
Paula: Replaced by good, secure drug houses.
So I will convene a White House summit aimed at strengthening these lifelines of learning. And to open the doors of these schools to more children, I ask you to support a new $300 million program called Pell Grants for Kids. We have seen how Pell Grants help low-income college students realize their full potential. Together, we've expanded the size and reach of these grants. Now let us apply that same spirit to help liberate poor children trapped in failing public schools. (Applause.)
Paul: Of course, we won't be funding THAT either.
Paula: Seven years too late once again, Shrubbery.
Paul: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Presidency on its deathbed.
Paula: *whistles and applause*
On trade, we must trust American workers to compete with anyone in the world and empower them by opening up new markets overseas. Today, our economic growth increasingly depends on our ability to sell American goods and crops and services all over the world.
Paul: Like it has for the last few centuries.
Paula: Bush, tell us something we don't know just once?
So we're working to break down barriers to trade and investment wherever we can.
Paul: By allowing China to cut major corners in food and products.
We're working for a successful Doha Round of trade talks, and we must complete a good agreement this year.
Paul: Because it's my last year and I got nuttin' else! Waaaaaaah!!!
At the same time, we're pursuing opportunities to open up new markets by passing free trade agreements.
Paula: And the barn door closes yet again...
Paul: We will also allow trading with any country that sends troops to Iraq.
I thank the Congress for approving a good agreement with Peru. And now I ask you to approve agreements with Colombia and Panama and South Korea. (Applause.)
Paul: Panama, Columbia, Peru? That's three-quarters of the cocaine trade! Oh...you know, that suddenly made a lot of sense...
Many products from these nations now enter America duty-free, yet many of our products face steep tariffs in their markets. These agreements will level the playing field. They will give us better access to nearly 100 million customers. They will support good jobs for the finest workers in the world: those whose products say "Made in the USA." (Applause.)
Paula: Ah, there's that unbridled arrogance again.
Paul: Does he not understand that if we start doing that, and other countries see that they lose MONEY trading with us, that they WON'T trade with us anymore?
Paula: That would make sense, yes.
Paul: I mean, the whole reason these countries survive is because of the tariffs on us!
These agreements also promote America's strategic interests. The first agreement that will come before you is with Colombia, a friend of America that is confronting violence and terror, and fighting drug traffickers.
Paula: And we've done a great job at that. Kids are now going into the medicine cabinets for more drugs.
Paul: So we worked on one problem, yet created a bigger one. Way to go.
If we fail to pass this agreement, we will embolden the purveyors of false populism in our hemisphere.
Paul: Embolden the what?!
Paula: Nevermind that, why the hell does he have to use the word 'embolden'? I thought that was reserved for terrorists.
Paul: Nono, INSURGENTS.
Paula: Ahhhh, okay. Well, what's the difference?
So we must come together, pass this agreement, and show our neighbors in the region that democracy leads to a better life. (Applause.)
Paul: Be like us! Be like us! Be like us!
Paula: Resistance is useless. You shall be assimilated!
Trade brings better jobs and better choices and better prices. Yet for some Americans, trade can mean losing a job, and the federal government has a responsibility to help. (Applause.)
Paul: Let's help by pulling out all troops and cutting all funding to Iraq.
Paula: They have the RESPONSIBILITY to help, but as in so many cases, it will not.
I ask Congress to reauthorize and reform trade adjustment assistance, so we can help these displaced workers learn new skills and find new jobs. (Applause.)
Paul: I'm begging Congress to leave me a legacy!
Paula: Learn new skills and find new jobs. Yep, that's a great idea about 100 years in the making. Thanks, Dubya, well done.
To build a future of energy security, we must trust in the creative genius of American researchers and entrepreneurs and empower them to pioneer a new generation of clean energy technology. (Applause.)
Paula: Again, we'll be helping out by cutting funding on many of their programs as well.
Paul: *Yosemite Sam's voice* Ah hates geniuses!
Our security, our prosperity, and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil. Last year, I asked you to pass legislation to reduce oil consumption over the next decade, and you responded.
Paul: By pushing the price of oil to $100 per barrel.
Paula: Who cares? In the next decade, I'll be safely back on my ranch, hyuk hyuk.
Paul: No responsibilty to no one anymore, woohoo!
Together we should take the next steps: Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions. (Applause.)
Paul: Please God, give me a legacy!
Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions-free nuclear power. (Applause.)
Paul: Let us make pigs fly.
Paula: Let us do ALL of this in one year's time.
Paul: Let us salvage my lousy presidency!
Let us continue investing in advanced battery technology and renewable fuels to power the cars and trucks of the future. (Applause.)
Paul: Notice how he pauses each time. There's got to be an "Applause" sign out there somewhere. He's looking at them like, "If you don't applaud, I'll send your ass overseas."
Paula: How anyone, any human being, can possibly still applaud this scum -- is just beyond belief.
Paul: They're doing it only because it's his last year. It's a "You tried your best" applause.
Paula: Oh, pity applause.
Paul: There you go.
Let us create a new international clean technology fund, which will help developing nations like India and China make greater use of clean energy sources. And let us complete an international agreement that has the potential to slow, stop, and eventually reverse the growth of greenhouse gases. (Applause.)
Paula: AGAIN, seven years too late, Dubya!
Paul: How long is 'eventually'?
Paula: Long after he's dead. And you.
Paul: I need a break, can we pause this?
Paula: Sure, I guess. You okay?
Paul: I can only listen to so much shit for just so long before I realize it doesn't make a sound.
Paula: That's deep, Paul.
Paul: Well, so is this shit.
Paula: Touche'. We'll be right back... ;-)
*click*
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Madam Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:
Paul: Let's have a drink!
Paula: Wow, he put the speaker first. Dicky's not gonna like that.
Paul: Does he seem pale to you?
Paula: You mean, more than usual?
Paul: Nine-Eleven!
Paula: Oh hush.
Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum.
Paul: I know this because I checked the calendar.
Paula: Seven years of toils and tribulations...
Paul: Zero score and seven years ago, my father said, "Son, don't be an asshole and run for president..."
In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined.
Paul: I dunno, I can imagine quite a bit.
Paula: Tested by my consistent inabilities, my deceitful ways, my childish platitudes...
Paul: Nine-eleven!
Paula: Shhhhh!
We faced hard decisions about peace and war,
Paul: What decision? To invade a country without precedence or provocation? THAT decision?
Paula: Don't forget, he's the Decider.
Paul: *high pitched* I'm the baby, gotta love me!
rising competition in the world economy,
Paul: And why the Chinese are eating us alive.
and the health and welfare of our citizens.
Paul: Yes, by blocking stem cell research we have helped numerous sick, hurt people DIE.
These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it's fair to say we've answered the call.
Paul: We said it was a wrong number and hung up.
Paula: We didn't say anything but we could hear the heavy breathing.
Yet history will record that amid our differences, we acted with purpose. And together, we showed the world the power and resilience of American self-government.
Paula: Power, resilience, complete ineptitude, unbridled arrogance...
All of us were sent to Washington to carry out the people's business. That is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. It remains our charge to keep.
Paul: Yeah, suuuuure.
Paula: I think I'm going to be sick. Shut it off.
Paul: Can't... tie... too distracting...
Paula: It's not even red this time.
Paul: But look at the swirling colors...
Paula: Ooooh, it's strangely hypnotic...
Paul: Yes... it's like a lava lamp...
The actions of the 110th Congress will affect the security and prosperity of our nation long after this session has ended.
Paul: Oh here we go, gonna blame the Democrats already!
In this election year, let us show our fellow Americans that we recognize our responsibilities and are determined to meet them. Let us show them that Republicans and Democrats can compete for votes and cooperate for results at the same time. (Applause.)
Paula: Yeah, look at their faces. They're sick to be in the same room together.
Paul: Why don't the GOP people stay in the room and the Dems leave, and then come back later for the rebuttal? You'd think that would send a clear message to the nation that folks are sick of hearing from this twit.
Paula: Can't. Election year.
Paul: What, again?! It's ALWAYS an election year!
From expanding opportunity to protecting our country, we've made good progress.
Paul: Not a single plane has hit a building.
Paula: Well, except for that Yankee pitcher.
Paul: Oh yeah, forgot about him. Hey, wasn't Bush ready to do something about that?
Paula: Yeah, I heard he was all set to attack Wrigley Field but they cancelled the alert.
Paul: Oh, well that's a relief.
Yet we have unfinished business before us, and the American people expect us to get it done.
Paul: *rolling on the floor laughing* No we don't!
Paula: Unfinished business. You're so right, Dubya.
Paul: Yep, war crimes tribunal is a-comin'.
In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our nation great.
Paula: Great idea. So religion is once again a private, personal affair and will not be a part of politics.
As Americans, we believe in the power of individuals to determine their destiny and shape the course of history.
Paul: Translation: Vote for McCain -- he's better than a woman or a black man!
We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens.
Paul: But since I never care what they think, that statement is probably moot.
Paula: So, wait, we should ALL be president! I like that idea! Every single citizen votes on every single issue, mandate or law talked about in this country. Majority wins. You can't lose. :-)
And so in all we do, we must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, and empower them to improve their lives for their futures.
Paul: Free peoples?
Paula: Don't. He's on a roll.
Paul: You know, I don't see much improvement in my life with assholes like him running the country.
To build a prosperous future, we must trust people with their own money and empower them to grow our economy.
Paul: So all you rich people, dig deep, man!
Paula: Save my last year of this shameful presidency, I beg you!
Paul: I got nuttin' left! Waaaaaaaah!
As we meet tonight, our economy is undergoing a period of uncertainty.
Paul: I suppose spending $800 billion in Iraq was a bit of a mistake.
Paula: Oh right, like he's going to say that!
America has added jobs for a record 52 straight months, but jobs are now growing at a slower pace. Wages are up, but so are prices for food and gas. Exports are rising, but the housing market has declined. At kitchen tables across our country, there is a concern about our economic future.
Paul: Which is why I'm so glad this is my last year!
Paula: I can go back to my rich family and live on the ranch, yee-hah!
Paul: At kitchen tables? He must be hungry.
Paula: They practically starved him. Look how thin and gaunt he is.
In the long run, Americans can be confident about our economic growth.
Paul: Which will happen long after I'm out of office, woohoo!
But in the short run, we can all see that that growth is slowing. So last week, my administration reached agreement with Speaker Pelosi and Republican Leader Boehner on a robust growth package that includes tax relief for individuals and families and incentives for business investment.
Paula: $600 bucks we get.
Paul: Each?
Paula: I think so. If we were married, we'd get $1200.
Paul: Each?
Paula: Um, no.
Paul: Wait, don't we get $1200 ANYWAY?
Paula: It's the government, Paul. Don't question their math skills.
Paul: Sorry. :-P
The temptation will be to load up the bill. That would delay it or derail it, and neither option is acceptable. (Applause)
Paul: Just make sure ya give me a raise though, or I'll attack Iran!
This is a good agreement that will keep our economy growing and our people working. And this Congress must pass it as soon as possible. (Applause.)
Paul: Look at the fire in those Dem eyes!
Paula: Yeah, they'll pass it but there's going to be some kind of argument. There has to be. This is America.
We have other work to do on taxes. Unless Congress acts, most of the tax relief we've delivered over the past seven years will be taken away. Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800.
Paul: Better yet, dick-weed, explain to America why the national median income has dropped $1,400!
Paula: Explain why we were dead wrong to invade Iraq!
Paul: The national unemployment rose to 5%!
Paula: No payrolls were added for the first time in five years!
Paul: Housing construction at an all-time low!
Paula: Mortgage companies collapsing!
Paul: Dogs and cats sleeping together -- mass hysteria!
Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. I'm pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders. (Laughter and applause.)
Paula: As we laugh, five more soldiers died today in Iraq but anyway...
Paul: I think this last year, Bush should go without a paycheck.
Paula: We overpay these morons don't we?
Paul: What the hell do we have to pay him for? Shacked up in a mansion, 24-hour room service, free first-class air service, chauffeurs, bodyguards, maids, GARDENERS. I'd live like that quite nicely with no money!
Most Americans think their taxes are high enough.
Paul: And yet another shot at the Dems.
With all the other pressures on their finances, American families should not have to worry about their federal government taking a bigger bite out of their paychecks.
Paul: They will have to worry, however, about being shattered when one of their family members dies in an unjust war.
There's only one way to eliminate this uncertainty: Make the tax relief permanent. (Applause.) And members of Congress should know: If any bill raises taxes reaches my desk, I will veto it. (Applause.)
Paul: If stem cell passes, I will veto it!
Paula: If gay marriage passes, I will veto it!
Paul: If Laura wants a divorce, I will veto it!
Paula: If Congress and Senate decide to pull out troops, I will veto it!
Paul: If the War Crimes Tribunal finds me guilty, I will veto it!
Paula: If Daddy says I can't have ice cream on the ranch, I will veto it!
Just as we trust Americans with their own money, we need to earn their trust by spending their tax dollars wisely.
Paul: Much more wisely than the $800 billion spent on Iraq?
Next week, I'll send you a budget that terminates or substantially reduces 151 wasteful or bloated programs, totaling more than $18 billion.
Paula: Among those are research for diseases, health-care costs, and educational programs.
Paul: I won't rest until every one of you old, helpless people lies dead!
Paula: You've lived a full life. Get out!
The budget that I will submit will keep America on track for a surplus in 2012. American families have to balance their budgets; so should their government. (Applause.)
Paul: So that was, let's see, $800 billion for Iraq, $500 million for Katrina, $100 million for the tsunami victims. Oh and ZERO dollars for the No Child Left Behind program! We're good!
The people's trust in their government is undermined by congressional earmarks -- special interest projects that are often snuck in at the last minute, without discussion or debate.
Paul: You mean like that Arctic Oil Drilling Program, right amigo!?
Paula: Whoever wrote this speech made him folksy. And Bush is NOT folksy. He was and still is a rich kid.
Last year, I asked you to voluntarily cut the number and cost of earmarks in half.
Paul: Amazing. He sees programs that benefit all of mankind as 'earmarks'.
Paula: You know he has no clue what an 'earmark' is.
I also asked you to stop slipping earmarks into committee reports that never even come to a vote. Unfortunately, neither goal was met. So this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that does not cut the number and cost of earmarks in half, I'll send it back to you with my veto. (Applause.)
Paul: Waaaaah!!
Paula: Such a damned whiner he is!
Paul: Oh hush Paula or I'll veto you, I swear it!
Paula: Shhhhh! Here's a valium.
And tomorrow, I will issue an executive order that directs federal agencies to ignore any future earmark that is not voted on by Congress. If these items are truly worth funding, Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote. (Applause.)
Paul: Uh, haven't they been doing that the last 270 years?
Paula: Tommorow I'm ordering Congress to do what it's been doing the last 270 years!
Paul: Good show, Paula! Hooray! Paula for President!
Our shared responsibilities extend beyond matters of taxes and spending. On housing, we must trust Americans with the responsibility of homeownership and empower them to weather turbulent times in the housing market.
Paul: So basically we're on our own, Jackson.
Paula: I hear ya, McGee.
Paul: Not my fault, neener neener neener.
My administration brought together the HOPE NOW alliance, which is helping many struggling homeowners avoid foreclosure. And Congress can help even more. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to reform Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,
Paul: now languishing in an Arkansas federal prison...
modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and allow state housing agencies to issue tax-free bonds to help homeowners refinance their mortgages. (Applause.)
Paul: Yeah, great job shutting that barn door, Dubya.
Paula: Not a horse in sight.
Paul: We're notorious for it, Paula.
Paula: Yep, we don't recognize a threat until it happens, do we? :-)
Paul: Did you notice the way Cheney's looking at him?
Paula: *Bela Lugosi voice* "Pull de string! Pull de string!!"
These are difficult times for many American families, and by taking these steps, we can help more of them keep their homes.
Paul: Homes, yes. JOBS -- well that's another story.
To build a future of quality health care, we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options.
Paul: And that starts by cutting funding for many of their programs.
We share a common goal: making health care more affordable and accessible for all Americans. (Applause.)
Paula: Except those that are old enough to be a burden.
Paul: We will however help any white women in a vegetative state in Florida.
The best way to achieve that goal is by expanding consumer choice, not government control. (Applause.)
Paul: I think consumer choice dictated we never wanted this scum-bag for president.
Paula: Consumer choice said not to invade Iraq either, doncha know?
Paul: Oooh, yah, good point there, Margie.
So I have proposed ending the bias in the tax code against those who do not get their health insurance through their employer. This one reform would put private coverage within reach for millions, and I call on the Congress to pass it this year. (Applause.)
Paula: Better late than never, eh Georgie?
Paul: We should go to all the children of the nation now and say, "This is NOT the man the country thought they were getting in 2001. This is a president on his last year, trying to do something to salvage his legacy and get into heaven now." :-)
Paula: Why didn't we do this sooner?
Paul: Nine-Eleven!
Paula: Will you stop saying that?!
Paul: But it's the universal answer for everything. It's like Douglas Adams' '42'!
Paula: Give it a rest, Rudi.
The Congress must also expand health savings accounts, create Association Health Plans for small businesses, promote health information technology, and confront the epidemic of junk medical lawsuits. (Applause.)
Paula: Again, better late than never.
Paul: This speech should be entitled "the Better Late than Never Speech".
Paula: Or "The Seven-Year Bitch".
Paul: Oh, I like that. Spot on, Agnes!
With all these steps, we will help ensure that decisions about your medical care are made in the privacy of your doctor's office -- not in the halls of Congress. (Applause.)
Paul: AHEM. Terri Schiavo????
Paula: Don't start!
On education, we must trust students to learn if given the chance, and empower parents to demand results from our schools. In neighborhoods across our country, there are boys and girls with dreams -- and a decent education is their only hope of achieving them.
Paul: Oh here we go, the No Child Left Behind Act.
Paula: Which still hasn't been funded with a single penny from the government.
Paul: Amazing. They come up with the ideas and expect the U.S. to pay for it.
Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act,
Paul: Bing!
and today no one can deny its results. Last year, fourth and eighth graders achieved the highest math scores on record.
Paul: While First through Third graders, fifth through seventh graders and 9th through 12th graders were not polled in this survey, we're confident they're doing okay too.
Paula: I'm personally reading at an eighth-grade level, and raring to get to "My Pet Goat: The Sequel".
Reading scores are on the rise. African American and Hispanic students posted all-time highs. (Applause.)
Paul: All ten of them!
Paula: What school did they go to find this out?
Paul: I don't know. Someplace that had a lot of Hispanics and blacks.
PAula: East L.A.??
Now we must work together to increase accountability, add flexibility for states and districts, reduce the number of high school dropouts, provide extra help for struggling schools.
Paul: To do this, we propose another idea for American citizens to pay for.
Paula: Increase accountability? HAHAHAHAHA!
Members of Congress: The No Child Left Behind Act is a bipartisan achievement. It is succeeding. And we owe it to America's children, their parents, and their teachers to strengthen this good law. (Applause.)
Paul: Congress to Dubya: Allocate monies to fund the program, you dildo.
Paula: He owes it to America to resign as President too, but I don't see that happening.
We must also do more to help children when their schools do not measure up.
Paula: We shall close down every school that is not measuring up.
Paul: Can they use the metric system to measure?
Paula: Did you know he made these EXACT same statements in a radio address in October of 2006?
Paul: My God, he's retooling his speeches!
Thanks to the D.C. Opportunity Scholarships you approved, more than 2,600 of the poorest children in our Nation's Capital have found new hope at a faith-based or other non-public school.
Paul: They'll grow up to be good, healthy Baptists.
Paula: Do you know that these poor kids really need, Dubya? How about food and shelter!?
Paul: You'll be starving and sad all your life, but by gum, you will get an education!
Sadly, these schools are disappearing at an alarming rate in many of America's inner cities.
Paul: Good! Less religion in schools!
Paula: Replaced by good, secure drug houses.
So I will convene a White House summit aimed at strengthening these lifelines of learning. And to open the doors of these schools to more children, I ask you to support a new $300 million program called Pell Grants for Kids. We have seen how Pell Grants help low-income college students realize their full potential. Together, we've expanded the size and reach of these grants. Now let us apply that same spirit to help liberate poor children trapped in failing public schools. (Applause.)
Paul: Of course, we won't be funding THAT either.
Paula: Seven years too late once again, Shrubbery.
Paul: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Presidency on its deathbed.
Paula: *whistles and applause*
On trade, we must trust American workers to compete with anyone in the world and empower them by opening up new markets overseas. Today, our economic growth increasingly depends on our ability to sell American goods and crops and services all over the world.
Paul: Like it has for the last few centuries.
Paula: Bush, tell us something we don't know just once?
So we're working to break down barriers to trade and investment wherever we can.
Paul: By allowing China to cut major corners in food and products.
We're working for a successful Doha Round of trade talks, and we must complete a good agreement this year.
Paul: Because it's my last year and I got nuttin' else! Waaaaaaah!!!
At the same time, we're pursuing opportunities to open up new markets by passing free trade agreements.
Paula: And the barn door closes yet again...
Paul: We will also allow trading with any country that sends troops to Iraq.
I thank the Congress for approving a good agreement with Peru. And now I ask you to approve agreements with Colombia and Panama and South Korea. (Applause.)
Paul: Panama, Columbia, Peru? That's three-quarters of the cocaine trade! Oh...you know, that suddenly made a lot of sense...
Many products from these nations now enter America duty-free, yet many of our products face steep tariffs in their markets. These agreements will level the playing field. They will give us better access to nearly 100 million customers. They will support good jobs for the finest workers in the world: those whose products say "Made in the USA." (Applause.)
Paula: Ah, there's that unbridled arrogance again.
Paul: Does he not understand that if we start doing that, and other countries see that they lose MONEY trading with us, that they WON'T trade with us anymore?
Paula: That would make sense, yes.
Paul: I mean, the whole reason these countries survive is because of the tariffs on us!
These agreements also promote America's strategic interests. The first agreement that will come before you is with Colombia, a friend of America that is confronting violence and terror, and fighting drug traffickers.
Paula: And we've done a great job at that. Kids are now going into the medicine cabinets for more drugs.
Paul: So we worked on one problem, yet created a bigger one. Way to go.
If we fail to pass this agreement, we will embolden the purveyors of false populism in our hemisphere.
Paul: Embolden the what?!
Paula: Nevermind that, why the hell does he have to use the word 'embolden'? I thought that was reserved for terrorists.
Paul: Nono, INSURGENTS.
Paula: Ahhhh, okay. Well, what's the difference?
So we must come together, pass this agreement, and show our neighbors in the region that democracy leads to a better life. (Applause.)
Paul: Be like us! Be like us! Be like us!
Paula: Resistance is useless. You shall be assimilated!
Trade brings better jobs and better choices and better prices. Yet for some Americans, trade can mean losing a job, and the federal government has a responsibility to help. (Applause.)
Paul: Let's help by pulling out all troops and cutting all funding to Iraq.
Paula: They have the RESPONSIBILITY to help, but as in so many cases, it will not.
I ask Congress to reauthorize and reform trade adjustment assistance, so we can help these displaced workers learn new skills and find new jobs. (Applause.)
Paul: I'm begging Congress to leave me a legacy!
Paula: Learn new skills and find new jobs. Yep, that's a great idea about 100 years in the making. Thanks, Dubya, well done.
To build a future of energy security, we must trust in the creative genius of American researchers and entrepreneurs and empower them to pioneer a new generation of clean energy technology. (Applause.)
Paula: Again, we'll be helping out by cutting funding on many of their programs as well.
Paul: *Yosemite Sam's voice* Ah hates geniuses!
Our security, our prosperity, and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil. Last year, I asked you to pass legislation to reduce oil consumption over the next decade, and you responded.
Paul: By pushing the price of oil to $100 per barrel.
Paula: Who cares? In the next decade, I'll be safely back on my ranch, hyuk hyuk.
Paul: No responsibilty to no one anymore, woohoo!
Together we should take the next steps: Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions. (Applause.)
Paul: Please God, give me a legacy!
Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions-free nuclear power. (Applause.)
Paul: Let us make pigs fly.
Paula: Let us do ALL of this in one year's time.
Paul: Let us salvage my lousy presidency!
Let us continue investing in advanced battery technology and renewable fuels to power the cars and trucks of the future. (Applause.)
Paul: Notice how he pauses each time. There's got to be an "Applause" sign out there somewhere. He's looking at them like, "If you don't applaud, I'll send your ass overseas."
Paula: How anyone, any human being, can possibly still applaud this scum -- is just beyond belief.
Paul: They're doing it only because it's his last year. It's a "You tried your best" applause.
Paula: Oh, pity applause.
Paul: There you go.
Let us create a new international clean technology fund, which will help developing nations like India and China make greater use of clean energy sources. And let us complete an international agreement that has the potential to slow, stop, and eventually reverse the growth of greenhouse gases. (Applause.)
Paula: AGAIN, seven years too late, Dubya!
Paul: How long is 'eventually'?
Paula: Long after he's dead. And you.
Paul: I need a break, can we pause this?
Paula: Sure, I guess. You okay?
Paul: I can only listen to so much shit for just so long before I realize it doesn't make a sound.
Paula: That's deep, Paul.
Paul: Well, so is this shit.
Paula: Touche'. We'll be right back... ;-)
*click*