Paws for Reflection on Rudolph...
Labels:
blog,
cats,
Christmas,
comedy,
holidays,
humor,
rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
by Writers With Cats
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
So we were sitting in the living room last night, surfing through channels. Hardly anything on anymore. We found that we really only watch four shows religiously. Hawaii Five-O, CSI, Criminal Minds, and the Big Bang Theory. It's no surprise all four of these are on CBS. NBC had their day in the sun with "Kelsey Grammar", "Friends", "Will and Grace", and others. Now it's just plain reality comedy; formulaic, boring, obnoxious. Paula won't even touch "The Office" because of Steve Correll's role in it. She seems to indicate that one of her former bosses was exactly the same way.
Spooky...
Anyway, Karma, our littlest cat, hopped up onto the sofa where Paula lay on her side perusing notes for tomorrow's work assignment. The cat purred and stretched, padding carefully up her body and settling on her hip, looking at her with slitted green eyes. "Attention now, please," she meowed, digging claws into the blanket the woman had over her. It amazes me how skittish the 5-year-old is around me, and yet with Paula at her mercy, she's as affectionate and sweet as any little black cat in the world. Maybe she just doesn't like guys. Well, guy humans anyway. She follows after Grimalkin, our 21-pound bear of a black cat, like a lovesick puppy. Too bad for her and him though. They're both without working kitty-making parts.
Mystery climbed up onto my lap as Karma was settling in for the night, purred to submission with just a few rubs across her back from Paula. My own lap cat looked at me, then back at the TV set I was channeling through, startled as I gave a quick cry of alarm and switched channels quickly to CBS to catch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" for a moment. All 20 pounds of her shuffled around in my lap and across my belly, and I had a tough time breathing for a minute.
"What did you do that for?! You scared me!" Mystery meowed at me, her yellow eyes wide. Boo-eyes, we call them.
"Sorry, Rudolph was on, it's sort of a tradition...been watching it for about 40 years or so; you guys have seen it about five times yourselves..."
The cat shook her head and sighed. "I never quite understood that show. Isn't it clearly just a tale of reindeer angst and separatism, the very essence of conformity, and the beginnings of fascism?"
"What are you talking about?"
Mystery put a paw on my nose. "The red nose, stupid. Clearly this was some form of species bigotry..."
"Wait, wait, Rudolph wasn't a red-nosed reindeer. He was a reindeer with a red nose. There's no such thing as a red-nosed reindeer species-wise...is there?"
"I'm sure there is, if Rudolph got busy with another reindeer..."
"Well, that's crazy. Red noses aren't inherited."
Grimalkin (affectionately named "Malkie") joined the group just then, moving like a bear in the woods until he sat down in front of us. "What about Hermie?"
"What about him?"
"Yeah, what about the elf?", Mystery chimed in, "The one that wanted to be a dentist, right? There's a CLEAR example of conformity right there."
I looked at her thoughtfully. "Okay, granted, Hermie wanted to be a dentist, I get that. If you're not happy in your job, you should look for another, sure..."
Karma opened one green eye and looked at all of us before yawning widely, stretching a foreleg. "But it wasn't just that," she mewed softly, more awake. "I mean, he was an ELF. What else is an elf supposed to do on the North Pole? Hermie should have compromised. A part-time dentistry career after the holidays would have probably sufficed..."
Malkie nodded. "I concur. I also had a problem with the misfit toys...Your human society leads us to believe that misfits are to be treated entirely differently, and to be ridiculed and publicized in the mainstream media."
Paula objected. "Now wait a minute here. Those toys needed homes and if you saw in the end, they did indeed find themselves homes...so all worked out for the best..."
Malkie batted an ear at her. "Do you think people are going to realize a bird can swim, that's NOT a penguin? The moment they see that bird, their first instinct will be to coop the poor thing into a cage. And then they'll be shocked to death come a week later, they find the poor feathered thing dead on the bottom of the cage of dehydration..."
"Alright, alright, hold it...just hold it..." My head was spinning.
"And the water pistol that squirted jelly, Jesus H. Christ. Someone obviously filled the thing up with jelly, that's all..."
"Malkie!"
"And what about the cowboy that rode an ostrich?" added Karma, getting up to her haunches, "I mean, it's laughable. An ostrich's kick is about 2,000 pounds of force. No cowboy in the world would survive atop an ostrich..."
"It was a toy!"
"So? And the spotted elephant? What's wrong with a spotted elephant?!"
Mystery nodded, "Or the dolly named Sue, what was wrong with her?"
Karma giggled. "And the CHARLIE in the box? Oh. My. God. What court system exists in this country that allows a toy to name himself?!"
Paula started to laugh. "You know who I felt really bad for? The bumble. That Abominable Snow monster thing..."
"Which is only found in the Himalayas, if I recall." Malkie smiled. "He was WAY off course."
I sighed and shook my head. "Why did everyone feel sorry for him?"
Karma replied, "Well, he lost all his teeth, for one thing. That's just begging for mouth cancer...I give that monster another two, three years of life at best..."
Mystery blinked. "Hermie's a DENTIST. I'm sure he helped the bumble."
"Provided the elf manager lets him have the dentist office. You're speculating."
"I'm merely pointing out that since the bumble proved helpful, he'll get free dental insurance..."
Malkie snorted. "But he's not an elf...and therein lies the whole conformity issue that was brought up earlier..."
Paula sighed, "Do you know who got the shortest end of the stick? Yukon Cornelius. The poor man's been going after silver and gold all his life, and he ends up in Santa's shop helping elves the rest of his life. His dreams are shattered forever..."
Karma hmmed. "How'd he get to the North Pole anyway?"
"Huh?"
"Well, the show takes place in 1965; weren't we at the height of the Cold War at this time? How the hell did he get through Russia?"
Mystery shrugged, "Maybe Yukon has duel citizenship..."
"Well, that would make him a communist..."
"He WASN'T a Communist," I growled, exasperated. "Look, could we just watch the show in peace for a while and not bicker?"
The three cats looked at each other and shrugged, laying down and watching the television.
"How is it the snowman knows all of this?"
"Karma..."
"Sorry..."
"Reindeer games, that's hilarious..."
"Malkie..."
"Okay, okay..."
"Paul, how do reindeer fly?"
I stroked Mystery's ears and chuckled. "Santa magic, sweetheart..."
She looked at me for a moment. "Drugs."
"Yep, drugs..."
"Definitely drugs..."
"You know what, I'm just going to change the channel now..."
Spooky...
Anyway, Karma, our littlest cat, hopped up onto the sofa where Paula lay on her side perusing notes for tomorrow's work assignment. The cat purred and stretched, padding carefully up her body and settling on her hip, looking at her with slitted green eyes. "Attention now, please," she meowed, digging claws into the blanket the woman had over her. It amazes me how skittish the 5-year-old is around me, and yet with Paula at her mercy, she's as affectionate and sweet as any little black cat in the world. Maybe she just doesn't like guys. Well, guy humans anyway. She follows after Grimalkin, our 21-pound bear of a black cat, like a lovesick puppy. Too bad for her and him though. They're both without working kitty-making parts.
Mystery climbed up onto my lap as Karma was settling in for the night, purred to submission with just a few rubs across her back from Paula. My own lap cat looked at me, then back at the TV set I was channeling through, startled as I gave a quick cry of alarm and switched channels quickly to CBS to catch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" for a moment. All 20 pounds of her shuffled around in my lap and across my belly, and I had a tough time breathing for a minute.
"What did you do that for?! You scared me!" Mystery meowed at me, her yellow eyes wide. Boo-eyes, we call them.
"Sorry, Rudolph was on, it's sort of a tradition...been watching it for about 40 years or so; you guys have seen it about five times yourselves..."
The cat shook her head and sighed. "I never quite understood that show. Isn't it clearly just a tale of reindeer angst and separatism, the very essence of conformity, and the beginnings of fascism?"
"What are you talking about?"
Mystery put a paw on my nose. "The red nose, stupid. Clearly this was some form of species bigotry..."
"Wait, wait, Rudolph wasn't a red-nosed reindeer. He was a reindeer with a red nose. There's no such thing as a red-nosed reindeer species-wise...is there?"
"I'm sure there is, if Rudolph got busy with another reindeer..."
"Well, that's crazy. Red noses aren't inherited."
Grimalkin (affectionately named "Malkie") joined the group just then, moving like a bear in the woods until he sat down in front of us. "What about Hermie?"
"What about him?"
"Yeah, what about the elf?", Mystery chimed in, "The one that wanted to be a dentist, right? There's a CLEAR example of conformity right there."
I looked at her thoughtfully. "Okay, granted, Hermie wanted to be a dentist, I get that. If you're not happy in your job, you should look for another, sure..."
Karma opened one green eye and looked at all of us before yawning widely, stretching a foreleg. "But it wasn't just that," she mewed softly, more awake. "I mean, he was an ELF. What else is an elf supposed to do on the North Pole? Hermie should have compromised. A part-time dentistry career after the holidays would have probably sufficed..."
Malkie nodded. "I concur. I also had a problem with the misfit toys...Your human society leads us to believe that misfits are to be treated entirely differently, and to be ridiculed and publicized in the mainstream media."
Paula objected. "Now wait a minute here. Those toys needed homes and if you saw in the end, they did indeed find themselves homes...so all worked out for the best..."
Malkie batted an ear at her. "Do you think people are going to realize a bird can swim, that's NOT a penguin? The moment they see that bird, their first instinct will be to coop the poor thing into a cage. And then they'll be shocked to death come a week later, they find the poor feathered thing dead on the bottom of the cage of dehydration..."
"Alright, alright, hold it...just hold it..." My head was spinning.
"And the water pistol that squirted jelly, Jesus H. Christ. Someone obviously filled the thing up with jelly, that's all..."
"Malkie!"
"And what about the cowboy that rode an ostrich?" added Karma, getting up to her haunches, "I mean, it's laughable. An ostrich's kick is about 2,000 pounds of force. No cowboy in the world would survive atop an ostrich..."
"It was a toy!"
"So? And the spotted elephant? What's wrong with a spotted elephant?!"
Mystery nodded, "Or the dolly named Sue, what was wrong with her?"
Karma giggled. "And the CHARLIE in the box? Oh. My. God. What court system exists in this country that allows a toy to name himself?!"
Paula started to laugh. "You know who I felt really bad for? The bumble. That Abominable Snow monster thing..."
"Which is only found in the Himalayas, if I recall." Malkie smiled. "He was WAY off course."
I sighed and shook my head. "Why did everyone feel sorry for him?"
Karma replied, "Well, he lost all his teeth, for one thing. That's just begging for mouth cancer...I give that monster another two, three years of life at best..."
Mystery blinked. "Hermie's a DENTIST. I'm sure he helped the bumble."
"Provided the elf manager lets him have the dentist office. You're speculating."
"I'm merely pointing out that since the bumble proved helpful, he'll get free dental insurance..."
Malkie snorted. "But he's not an elf...and therein lies the whole conformity issue that was brought up earlier..."
Paula sighed, "Do you know who got the shortest end of the stick? Yukon Cornelius. The poor man's been going after silver and gold all his life, and he ends up in Santa's shop helping elves the rest of his life. His dreams are shattered forever..."
Karma hmmed. "How'd he get to the North Pole anyway?"
"Huh?"
"Well, the show takes place in 1965; weren't we at the height of the Cold War at this time? How the hell did he get through Russia?"
Mystery shrugged, "Maybe Yukon has duel citizenship..."
"Well, that would make him a communist..."
"He WASN'T a Communist," I growled, exasperated. "Look, could we just watch the show in peace for a while and not bicker?"
The three cats looked at each other and shrugged, laying down and watching the television.
"How is it the snowman knows all of this?"
"Karma..."
"Sorry..."
"Reindeer games, that's hilarious..."
"Malkie..."
"Okay, okay..."
"Paul, how do reindeer fly?"
I stroked Mystery's ears and chuckled. "Santa magic, sweetheart..."
She looked at me for a moment. "Drugs."
"Yep, drugs..."
"Definitely drugs..."
"You know what, I'm just going to change the channel now..."